I have been remiss in announcing to all my blogger friends that Lee and I are presently in Portland, Oregon to meet our newest granddaughter. Her name is Saoirse, it is a Gaelic name which means "freedom." Her name is pronounced SAYR SHA, and she is absolutely beautiful. She has lots and lots of auburn hair, blue eyes which when she is awake are bright and alert. They say that when baby's smile it is gas, but this baby appears to smile appropriately. This is a completely unbiased opinion, of course, from a grandmother who has loved this infant from the time I knew of her existence growing in the recesses of her mother's womb. Lee and I now have 5 grandchildren, 2 boys and 3 girls and we are elated to welcome this little girl into our family. A new baby is a sign of hope, and new beginnings, expectations, and dreams of a bright future. An indication that life goes on and the future is bright. These children are part of a new generation, a generation full of fresh ideas, broad horizons, and endless opportunities. I have heard comments such as "I wouldn't want to bring a baby in to this world with all of the turmoil going on." Those of us who have lived through national tragedies, disasters, and periods of grave sadness may become jaded at times, but we must not allow ourselves to dampen the spirits of young couples. Couples who are eager and may I dare say even passionate to create a family of their own. All of us who have children have created a legacy which will live long after we are gone. It can at times evoke strong emotional feelings for me when our family is all together. Regardless of whatever problems and/or troubles our family has experienced in the past, it is very obvious that we all love each other very much. Recently, we had a house guest and we had a family get together so everyone could visit with our guest. After everyone had left, our guest commented that we had such a wonderful family, and that he was impressed at how they all hugged and kissed one another. It was a long time coming, but as we grow older I think we become more generous and more tolerant in our assessments of people in general, and family in particular. Life has a way of moving along at a swift pace and we begin to realize what is really important to us. When we were going through the heartbreaking and painful problems of our addicted son, there were times when I felt that life was not worth living. Thankfully, I was able to rally, and keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I never gave up hope that our son would return to be reunited with our family. As I told him, I always knew that "my son" was inside that body somewhere. It is easy to give up and walk away, and at the time his sisters were fed up and ready to do just that. As his mother who had carried him for 9 months inside my body I was not prepared to do that.
I was not aware at the time, but our son unfortunately was a symptom of other problems in our family, he was a scapecoat really. I was a very angry woman at that time. My relationship with Lee was strained, I felt like I was raising the children alone. It was several years later before I began to see a Clinical Psychologist on a regular basis, and to discuss with her the events of my childhood which influenced my adult life. I may be redundant in saying this, but I feel that therapy gave me a new life, a life that I enjoy much more.
In some ways I feel that I have made it my life's work to educate myself, and attempt to understand the dynamics of a healthy family. It has definitely paid off and I still consider it a work in progress. Our son has told us many times how fortunate he is to have such a supportive family. While he was in rehab he had to participate in group discussions. These discussions can be difficult, especially for individuals who have difficulty expressing their feelings. He told us some of the stories he heard from other clients. Stories of abuse, abandonment, and neglect, and our son told us "I was not brought up like that, my family never treated me like that." The important part for me is that we are all together now, helping one another, and being present for each other. Lee and I moved to Arizona solely to be closer to our children and grandchildren. We frequently take the 2 older kids (15 & 16) to various appointments, and then we usually try to squeeze in lunch so we have a chance to chat with them.
As usual, I have veered off the track. I am aware that I am doing it, but I feel compelled, it seems, to put my thoughts down on paper as they come to me. Certain areas of my life are difficult, and painful to recall, and sometimes when I set out to write exclusively about these painful experiences, I seem to "freeze up," and be unable to write at all. When this occurs I may feel a sadness, or a darkness come over me as a result of delving into the past. At this point, I will do my best to weave together these thoughts and stories to make some sense for my readers.
This edition started out with the news of our beautiful granddaughter, and how this birth has renewed our spirits, hope, and sense of enthusiasm for the future. When I hold a new baby, there is such a sense of awe and amazement. I have always considered it a privelege, to be able to witness the miracle of birth again, and again, as I have done over a period of 25 years. It goes without saying that my sense of happiness, and elation, are heightened considerably when the baby I am holding is one of our own grandchildren. As I held this tiny little replica of not only her mother and father, but all of the blood relatives on both sides of her family. I see little facial expressions, and glimpses which remind me of our beautiful daughter as an infant. The baby has fair hair and skin as her mother does, and every day it seems there are changes in her appearance. Having worked as a OB/Labor & Delivery nurse for many years, I never lost my enthusiasm and energy to work with couples to have a good, happy, and safe experience. Many times, I would still get teary eyed when the baby was born. The delivery room, usually filled with family, and friends who demonstarted a myriad of emotions, tears, laughter and hope. Over the 25 years of assisting patients in labor/delivery I have seen many, many babies who were not born perfect, and had some sort of anomaly. I also have seen babies who did not survive for one reason or another. Therefore when couples had their heart set on the sex of the baby, I have tried to gently remind them that the most important thing is for you to have a "healthy baby."
Having had so many years experience was a detriment for me with our daughter's pregnancy. Coupled with the fact that we live about 1300 miles away from her. From the time I found out she was pregnant, I worried and ruminated about the possible problems which could occur, especially since our daughter is an "older mom." But just as God worked his magic to create, and mold each intricate feature and bring forth this beautiful perfect baby girl, He also guarded and protected our daughter and kept her healthy during her pregnancy.
In closing this episode , let me say if you are privileged to have a new baby, a toddler or young child in your life as I do, you will quickly appreciate and enjoy, the energy, optimism, and the complete innocence and exuberance that they possess. Lee and I returned this week after traveling to meet our grandaughter, we were gone almost 1 month. When we arrived at our oldest daughter's home unexpectedly, what a warm and wonderful welcome we received from our 2 1/2 yr. old grandson, Ben, and our 6 yr.old granddaughter, Olivia. They make it all worthwhile for me, and I really did miss them as we are accustomed to seeing them almost every week. They are part of my being and my every fiber. I thank God every day for the gifts He has given me. If I died today I would die a happy and fulfilled woman. Live life to the fullest, "take the bull by the horns and enjoy every minute of it."
Enjoy your weekend and have fun.
Carol
Sometimes when I am watching our children interact with each other, I marvel at this group of eight individuals. People who with God's assistance were brought into this world because of the love which Lee and I share. here is
