We continued to live our lives pretty much from payday to payday. Our bills were always paid and we always had good food to eat.
Sometimes we would go fishing after Lee got home from work. It was something we both enjoyed and the price was right. Actually, we never ate the fish, it was just the fun of catching them. Usually we would offer them to someone fishing nearby.
Fortunately, my pregnancy went very well and I felt very good. My abdomen was really getting huge and it was pretty obvious that the baby would be good sized. In those days we did not have any of the kitchen gadgets that we take for granted today. Our washer was what they called a wringer washer, we had purchased it for $25.00 at an auction. Washing clothes usually happened every Monday and literally took me all day to accomplish. I had to fill huge wash tubs for the rinse, and I lifted them and emptied them by myself. Most of the woman I knew did their washing like this and never envisioned how much easier this process would become.
Our baby arrived right on time in August of 1960, he weighed 8lbs.3 oz and was 21 1/ in. long.(now our son is 6ft 4 in.) He had my red hair and his father's big head. Labor was quite a surprise, and I must admit that at one point I thought I would not survive the pain. At some point the nurse gave me a shot of Demerol, and that was it until delivery time. In those days they took patients to the "delivery room" put in a spinal and then delivered the baby by forceps.
In retrospect, the nurse spent very little time with us. There were no monitors, none of the encumberments that fill the labor room these days. Things were much more simplistic in those days.
During the labor I had squeezed Lee's hand so hard that it was bruised, but he didn't care because he was allowed to stay with me during labor. He was not permitted to be present in the delivery room. Today, all of that is changed, and being an OB nurse I can tell you it is not uncommon to have the entire family in and out of the labor room all day.
At that time New Mother's had a 5 day stay in hospital. Our part of the hospital bill was $150.00 to the physician and $150.00 to the hospital. Imagine, the cost for the nursery was $4.00 per day! Lee and I had saved enough money to pay the entire hospital bill and doctor as well. We were so proud of ourselves. When Lee came to see me after the baby was born he brought me a small plant. It was arranged in a blue ceramic booty. I cried, and said to him "how are we going to live?" "what are we going to do?" I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I was scared. Lee took my hand and said "we'll be Ok, don't worry." He was right, we were OK and he always continued to provide for us.
I had decided to breast feed our baby. The only point of reference I had was that I had watched Lee's aunt breast feed her baby. The baby was so contented and it looked a lot less complicated than formula and bottles. Both of our families disapproved and thought it was archaic. They said, "you don't have to do that anymore." They did not dissuade me in the least, my decision was made. Breast feeding was a breeze, I loved it and thought it was so easy. Ignorance is bliss. Nowadays, I have patients who are so hyper and anxious about being " the perfect mother" they sometimes are unable to nurse their baby.
Lee always helped me from the start. In the middle of the night, the baby would cry, Lee would get up and bring him to me, I would feed him, change him and put him back in his bed. On the 3rd night our baby slept through the night. Both of us were bewildered and frightened to look in his crib. He was fine and we were relieved and incredulous, and I might add envied by our friends.
Earlier, I mentioned that Lee always helped me. This was really foreign to me. My father had never helped my mother at all, and they had 5 children.
Lee and I have always worked together. It has never been "your" job or "my" job. Whoever saw things to be done did them. It has always been an unspoken thing that started very early in our marriage.
Goodnight for now. Be good to one another. Carol
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Good evening friends. I feel like my day is incomplete if I do not blog, I can hardly believe how much I enjoy this.
Well,as you can imagine, my "sickness" was not the "flu" which we had told several people. I knew that I was "in the family way" as they called it in the "olden days" I just was not ready to say it out loud yet. Lee and I like many young couples had all these plans we dreamed about. Now all of a sudden we hit a snag, and it was time to face reality.
I made an appointment with a "family doctor" who probably delivered everyone in that small western NY town. I had probably been to the doctor a couple times in my life and NEVER had that kind of examinatiion! I'm sure the doc had a huge laugh after I walked out of his office with this look of disbelief on my face. Here was another example of how naive I was. I said to him "we just got married on November 21st" in a rather high pitched voice. (It was Jan 6th 1960) He said to me "well my dear, it doesn't take long!" It was difficult to be happy at first when I was still in a state of shock. However, it wasn't long before I started making baby clothes and thinking about the baby names. My EDC (expected date of confinement) was August 21st. After Lee and I talked about it we realized that I would not be able to continue working at the institution past 3months. This is how it was at the time girls, they said it was for my safety, and there was no negotiating. So the gist of it was that our wonderful income would now be cut in half! Time flew by and I had to terminate my position in March of 1960. We tried to plot along on one salary, Lee's earnings for that year were $3175.00. Can you believe that? Our rent was only $75.00, we bought some furniture, that was a payment of $27.00/month and we had purchased a 1955 Chevie which was $29.00/month. That was a total of $131/month without food, and Lee's net pay was $90.00 every 2 wks.
I want to mention here that Lee and I were refused a loan for the car from the bank. We were 19 yrs old and of course had no credit history. Thankfully, Lee's 70 yr. old Grandmother rescued us and co-signed for the loan. (she made us promise that we would never tell Grampa that she had co-signed for the loan) We vowed that we would not disappoint her and our payments were always on time. That was the first and last time we were refused a loan.
Within a short time after I had left my job Lee got a partime job. For $1.00/hr he pumped gas, and since the same guy who ran the gas station took care of the local cemetery, Lee dug graves by hand also for $1.00/hr. I started to take in ironing to earn a little extra money. Many nights I would iron until midnight so that I could earn $2.00 for the entire basket of clothes. Lee would leave the house at 0600 and return at 11:30 to shower, eat his main meal and get ready for his other job, those hrs were 1430-2100.
I would spend the entire day alone, we only had one car. I cooked and baked everyday and did some sewing for the baby. We never complained or thought it was a hardship, we both pitched in and counted our pennies and just kept going. For the first time in my life I felt safe, so there was really nothing that scared me anymore. I looked forward to Lee returning home each night and we would talk and sit up and watch The Joey Bishop Show. I guess we loved each other so much that we didn't see any obstacles in our way. I can honestly state here that Lee and I have never had an argument about money, in 50 years of marriage, I think it is exemplary. Lee always said "why argue over what you don't have!" He is the type of guy that if I need money he just gives me his wallet. If he has $2.00 or $2000.00 in his wallet he does not care what I take, and never even asks me. Over the years I have witnessed the whole Q & A process take place when a woman asks her husband for money, I have always been grateful that Lee never embarrassed me like that.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN for now. Carol
Well,as you can imagine, my "sickness" was not the "flu" which we had told several people. I knew that I was "in the family way" as they called it in the "olden days" I just was not ready to say it out loud yet. Lee and I like many young couples had all these plans we dreamed about. Now all of a sudden we hit a snag, and it was time to face reality.
I made an appointment with a "family doctor" who probably delivered everyone in that small western NY town. I had probably been to the doctor a couple times in my life and NEVER had that kind of examinatiion! I'm sure the doc had a huge laugh after I walked out of his office with this look of disbelief on my face. Here was another example of how naive I was. I said to him "we just got married on November 21st" in a rather high pitched voice. (It was Jan 6th 1960) He said to me "well my dear, it doesn't take long!" It was difficult to be happy at first when I was still in a state of shock. However, it wasn't long before I started making baby clothes and thinking about the baby names. My EDC (expected date of confinement) was August 21st. After Lee and I talked about it we realized that I would not be able to continue working at the institution past 3months. This is how it was at the time girls, they said it was for my safety, and there was no negotiating. So the gist of it was that our wonderful income would now be cut in half! Time flew by and I had to terminate my position in March of 1960. We tried to plot along on one salary, Lee's earnings for that year were $3175.00. Can you believe that? Our rent was only $75.00, we bought some furniture, that was a payment of $27.00/month and we had purchased a 1955 Chevie which was $29.00/month. That was a total of $131/month without food, and Lee's net pay was $90.00 every 2 wks.
I want to mention here that Lee and I were refused a loan for the car from the bank. We were 19 yrs old and of course had no credit history. Thankfully, Lee's 70 yr. old Grandmother rescued us and co-signed for the loan. (she made us promise that we would never tell Grampa that she had co-signed for the loan) We vowed that we would not disappoint her and our payments were always on time. That was the first and last time we were refused a loan.
Within a short time after I had left my job Lee got a partime job. For $1.00/hr he pumped gas, and since the same guy who ran the gas station took care of the local cemetery, Lee dug graves by hand also for $1.00/hr. I started to take in ironing to earn a little extra money. Many nights I would iron until midnight so that I could earn $2.00 for the entire basket of clothes. Lee would leave the house at 0600 and return at 11:30 to shower, eat his main meal and get ready for his other job, those hrs were 1430-2100.
I would spend the entire day alone, we only had one car. I cooked and baked everyday and did some sewing for the baby. We never complained or thought it was a hardship, we both pitched in and counted our pennies and just kept going. For the first time in my life I felt safe, so there was really nothing that scared me anymore. I looked forward to Lee returning home each night and we would talk and sit up and watch The Joey Bishop Show. I guess we loved each other so much that we didn't see any obstacles in our way. I can honestly state here that Lee and I have never had an argument about money, in 50 years of marriage, I think it is exemplary. Lee always said "why argue over what you don't have!" He is the type of guy that if I need money he just gives me his wallet. If he has $2.00 or $2000.00 in his wallet he does not care what I take, and never even asks me. Over the years I have witnessed the whole Q & A process take place when a woman asks her husband for money, I have always been grateful that Lee never embarrassed me like that.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN for now. Carol
Monday, March 29, 2010
continuation of our 50 year journey
Mrs Young was just trying to steer us in the right direction. Lee had been a member of the Honor Society and distinguished himself in other ways as well. She actually suggested that he return to college and the money would be there. That did not sound very credible or likely to us, we wanted to know exactly where the money would come from. Therefore, we continued along with our plans to marry in the fall. Many years later we discovered that Mrs. Young had assisted many students financially. Before we left that evening we assured her that Lee would absolutely return to college. She had married a man with no formal education, he was a supervisor at the canning factory. They had never had any children . She had said to me "If he goes back to school and you do not, he may become bored with you. You need to read and keep up with current events, etc so you are able to converse with people." That was some of the best information I ever received.
Our wedding plans were progressing, we did not have much money for a reception and as I have stated earlier our parents were not going to help us. Did they actually think that triviality would cause us to change our minds? We were accustomed to adversity all through our childhoods. It had always been clear that we worked hard for whatever we got. In those days we were left to our own devices, and either gave up, or persevered and worked out a solution. Now a days I think some children look to their parents or others to solve their problems.
Lee had an Aunt whom we enjoyed visiting, she was his mother's youngest sister. Many evenings we spent at her home playing cards and drinking coffee. She was definitely our advocate and suggested that family members bring food for the reception. My parents reluctance to help us with costs waned somewhat and they offered to pay for the wedding cake. The cake was a several tired confection and the cost was $35.00. Lee's sister, another advocate knew a woman who made special cakes in her home. Lee's father volunteered to pay for the beverages after he discovered thst we did not plan on having any alcoholic drinks. Then at last someone suggested that we rent the Grange Hall for the reception for the grand sum of $25.00. The wedding ceremony and mass were scheduled for 10:00 and the reception was to start at 2PM. Approximately 100 guests attended. Lee and I opened our gifts at the reception which was a custom at that time. Actually, we stayed at the reception until about 6PM.
The night before we were married Lee had taken precautions to hide our car from the wellwishers. It was all to no avail because someone leaked the place where it was supposedly sequestered. It was fun really,our "Old Ford" was covered with good luck signs and tin cans. As were driving up North to the Adirondacks for our "honeymoon" we were serenaded by automobile horns, and people hollering good wishes out the car windows. We were novice travelers and thus had not made any room reservations. Another important fact that we had not considered was that tourist season was over in the Adirondacks, and it was cold up there. Finally, we stopped at a motel where the lady who ran it took pity on us and opened a room. This was after she commented on the confetti in our hair at which point "my face was as red as a beet." Our wedding night meal consisted of cheese sandwiches we made ourselves, and a bottle of Pepsi Cola. Neither one of us had ever been in restaurants really, besides we really did not have much money. The funny part is, it was fine with both of us and we did not feel like we were missing out on anything. We were so "crazy" about each other and were just starting our journey together. We were not accustomed to frills anyway, and we were just so happy.
Just before we were married we both obtained jobs at a "State School" where we were hired as attendants. The institution housed approximately 4000 patients who were mentally challenged in some way. There were various buildings, and patients were assigned to the appropriate building for their age. The buildings started with the "children's bldg." There were infants with hydrocephaly, anacephaly, many babies born with Down's Syndrome lived there as well. Children stayed in that building until they started puberty. They were then transferred to another age appropriate building. As I have indicated we were both a couple farm kids and had never been exposed to anything like we were about to experience. The toddler age Down Syndrome children were very hypersexual as were many of the other patients. They masturbated openly which absolutely shocked me, but I was a very unsophisticated young woman with little knowledge. Every day I would share stories with my husband and ask him to explain certain words or phrases that I had heard that day. It was definitely a learning experience for both of us.
Working at this institution paid quite well for individuals without much formal education. While we both worked we had a nice income, however we were about to enter a period of time where we were very poor. We had been married about 6 wks when I became nauseated and sick every morning, reality sets in.
I must bid you adieu for this evening. This writing has really invigorated and energized me, it has made me realize how much I love my husband, and my life with him.
Carol
Our wedding plans were progressing, we did not have much money for a reception and as I have stated earlier our parents were not going to help us. Did they actually think that triviality would cause us to change our minds? We were accustomed to adversity all through our childhoods. It had always been clear that we worked hard for whatever we got. In those days we were left to our own devices, and either gave up, or persevered and worked out a solution. Now a days I think some children look to their parents or others to solve their problems.
Lee had an Aunt whom we enjoyed visiting, she was his mother's youngest sister. Many evenings we spent at her home playing cards and drinking coffee. She was definitely our advocate and suggested that family members bring food for the reception. My parents reluctance to help us with costs waned somewhat and they offered to pay for the wedding cake. The cake was a several tired confection and the cost was $35.00. Lee's sister, another advocate knew a woman who made special cakes in her home. Lee's father volunteered to pay for the beverages after he discovered thst we did not plan on having any alcoholic drinks. Then at last someone suggested that we rent the Grange Hall for the reception for the grand sum of $25.00. The wedding ceremony and mass were scheduled for 10:00 and the reception was to start at 2PM. Approximately 100 guests attended. Lee and I opened our gifts at the reception which was a custom at that time. Actually, we stayed at the reception until about 6PM.
The night before we were married Lee had taken precautions to hide our car from the wellwishers. It was all to no avail because someone leaked the place where it was supposedly sequestered. It was fun really,our "Old Ford" was covered with good luck signs and tin cans. As were driving up North to the Adirondacks for our "honeymoon" we were serenaded by automobile horns, and people hollering good wishes out the car windows. We were novice travelers and thus had not made any room reservations. Another important fact that we had not considered was that tourist season was over in the Adirondacks, and it was cold up there. Finally, we stopped at a motel where the lady who ran it took pity on us and opened a room. This was after she commented on the confetti in our hair at which point "my face was as red as a beet." Our wedding night meal consisted of cheese sandwiches we made ourselves, and a bottle of Pepsi Cola. Neither one of us had ever been in restaurants really, besides we really did not have much money. The funny part is, it was fine with both of us and we did not feel like we were missing out on anything. We were so "crazy" about each other and were just starting our journey together. We were not accustomed to frills anyway, and we were just so happy.
Just before we were married we both obtained jobs at a "State School" where we were hired as attendants. The institution housed approximately 4000 patients who were mentally challenged in some way. There were various buildings, and patients were assigned to the appropriate building for their age. The buildings started with the "children's bldg." There were infants with hydrocephaly, anacephaly, many babies born with Down's Syndrome lived there as well. Children stayed in that building until they started puberty. They were then transferred to another age appropriate building. As I have indicated we were both a couple farm kids and had never been exposed to anything like we were about to experience. The toddler age Down Syndrome children were very hypersexual as were many of the other patients. They masturbated openly which absolutely shocked me, but I was a very unsophisticated young woman with little knowledge. Every day I would share stories with my husband and ask him to explain certain words or phrases that I had heard that day. It was definitely a learning experience for both of us.
Working at this institution paid quite well for individuals without much formal education. While we both worked we had a nice income, however we were about to enter a period of time where we were very poor. We had been married about 6 wks when I became nauseated and sick every morning, reality sets in.
I must bid you adieu for this evening. This writing has really invigorated and energized me, it has made me realize how much I love my husband, and my life with him.
Carol
Friday, March 26, 2010
marriage- A 50 year journey together
Sorry folks about the delay in continuing my story. I am embarrassed to tell you that once again I proceeded to lose about 2 hrs of writing.
As I have previously stated some of this will be redundant, please bear with me I am still a novice.
To say that our marriage is or ever has been perfect would be untrue, and I believe unrealistic.In my professional life I am an Obstetrical nurse and have been practicing for 25 years. Often when patients are becoming exhausted in labor and really were not prepared for the pain of labor, I say to them "all good things take time." The same expression can be used for marriage. We experience peaks and valleys of happiness and perhaps even euphoria at times. At other times in our lives we struggle with disappointment, failure, boredom, and unhappiness. The "stuff" that makes a happy, contented, and fulfilling relationship is how we negotiate these challenges. As I have commented earlier "my husband and I held hands and have never let go." Having said this, I certainly do not want to diminish or minimize in any way the work, commitment, and investment which is necessary for a successful marriage or relationship.
Once again this may be redundant, but I will attempt to weave the story together.
My husband and I started our relationship on our senior trip. The good part is that we were already friends for several years. I already knew that he was a hardworking "farm" boy. He had also been our class treasurer for several years and proved himelf to be honest and trustworthy. Let me interject here that trust and honesty are in my opinion two of the main ingredients for a happy and successful marriage.
By the time we started "going together" (I confess that I do not know the terminology they use today!) We had both made our plans to attend our respected colleges in New York. The college I attended is approximately 300 miles from home in upstate NY near the Canadian border. Remember I have stated earlier that I wanted to be far, far away from my family. The college which my husband chose was only about one hour and 30 min. away from his home. Consequently,the first year of college we only saw each other for a few days at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Life was different then, we had no money and we did not have a car. Luckily, there were a few home town upper classmen who I could hitch a ride home with for the grand total of $2.00 each way. Wow, what a deal you reply, but remember this was 1958, almost 52 years ago. I always made sure that I had reserved a space in the car for the next trip home. We were both 17 years old at the time, the youngest in our graduating class. Both of us were raised on farms so we were accustomed to hard work and a lot of responsibility. At the end of the school year we decided that we were not going back to college. I really did not know what I wanted to do and truthfully I did not apply myself the way I should have. My husband to be by then, had no money or support from his parents. Neither one of us were encouraged by our parents because education was not valued by them. Our parents had not finished school and had to leave to help support their families between 6th and 11th grades.
I proceed with the story after one year of college. It is now July 1959 and we both found jobs working at the local canning factory for the paltry sum of $1.00/hr. As you may imagine it was not a job either one of us enjoyed. It was dirty,cold,and the floors were usually wet. Most of the employees were older woman, who actually taught me a great deal about sex. They could see that I was young and naive, and loved to see my face turn crimson red. We were planning to marry in the fall so I actually appreciated the information albeit was in the rather "raw" form much of the time. At the end of a week of very hard work I usually received a total check of approximately $35.00. Out of this my parents took $12.00 for board. This did not leave much money for anything else, but we we pooled our money together and were very happy just being together and doing simple inexpensive things.
Actually, I was hardly ever home which was my decision. I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. My father was a recovering alcoholic, he did not consume alcohol anymore, however he still had the alcoholic behavior. He was full of anger and rage, and physically and mentally abusive to my mother and us kids. Consequently, my parents argued freguently, they called each other every profanity known to mankind. My father would become violent and throw things or tip the kitchen table up side down while we were eating dinner. This usually happened after some small item was not on the table, like the salt shaker. Unfortunately, the argument would start to die down and my mother would refuel it with some comment about my father's past behavior with other woman. There were lots of "secrets" in my family, some which are very difficult and painful for me to discuss, even now, over fifty years later.
Sometime that summer before we were married our school counselor Francis Young called us to come to her home. I was very familiar with Mrs Young as I landed in her office many times for insubordinate behavior. She was wonderful to me, and never disciplined me. She would hug me and say "Carol, you are such a nice girl, why do you do these things?" I didn't know why at that time, I would cry and she would console me. She did a really wonderful thing for me when our junior rings arrived at school. I did not have the money to pick my ring up. At that time in 1957 the ring was the grand total of $18.00. She said, "Carol, I want you to have your ring along with your classmates. She paid for the ring and allowed me to repay her $1 or 2 dollars a week until the ring was paid for. Anyway, I am getting off the track again. Lee and I decided to go to see Mrs. Young mostly because we were curious as to why she wanted to see us. She told us that several teachers had called her to express their disappointment and disbelief that Lee was not going back to college in the fall. Lee and I proudly told her that we were planning to be married in the fall and Lee would return to school at some later date. That was probably not the most prudent thing to say at the time. She sort of spoke an octave higher than her normal tone of voice and said "you will get married and Carol will get pregant and you will never return to school!!" We replied with a very naive answer which we whole heartedly believed. Oh! that will not happen to us!!"
I must sign off for now, the content of this part of the story has been rather difficult for me to dredge up and rehash.
Remember to live each day as though it were to be your last, love life and love one another. Carol
As I have previously stated some of this will be redundant, please bear with me I am still a novice.
To say that our marriage is or ever has been perfect would be untrue, and I believe unrealistic.In my professional life I am an Obstetrical nurse and have been practicing for 25 years. Often when patients are becoming exhausted in labor and really were not prepared for the pain of labor, I say to them "all good things take time." The same expression can be used for marriage. We experience peaks and valleys of happiness and perhaps even euphoria at times. At other times in our lives we struggle with disappointment, failure, boredom, and unhappiness. The "stuff" that makes a happy, contented, and fulfilling relationship is how we negotiate these challenges. As I have commented earlier "my husband and I held hands and have never let go." Having said this, I certainly do not want to diminish or minimize in any way the work, commitment, and investment which is necessary for a successful marriage or relationship.
Once again this may be redundant, but I will attempt to weave the story together.
My husband and I started our relationship on our senior trip. The good part is that we were already friends for several years. I already knew that he was a hardworking "farm" boy. He had also been our class treasurer for several years and proved himelf to be honest and trustworthy. Let me interject here that trust and honesty are in my opinion two of the main ingredients for a happy and successful marriage.
By the time we started "going together" (I confess that I do not know the terminology they use today!) We had both made our plans to attend our respected colleges in New York. The college I attended is approximately 300 miles from home in upstate NY near the Canadian border. Remember I have stated earlier that I wanted to be far, far away from my family. The college which my husband chose was only about one hour and 30 min. away from his home. Consequently,the first year of college we only saw each other for a few days at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Life was different then, we had no money and we did not have a car. Luckily, there were a few home town upper classmen who I could hitch a ride home with for the grand total of $2.00 each way. Wow, what a deal you reply, but remember this was 1958, almost 52 years ago. I always made sure that I had reserved a space in the car for the next trip home. We were both 17 years old at the time, the youngest in our graduating class. Both of us were raised on farms so we were accustomed to hard work and a lot of responsibility. At the end of the school year we decided that we were not going back to college. I really did not know what I wanted to do and truthfully I did not apply myself the way I should have. My husband to be by then, had no money or support from his parents. Neither one of us were encouraged by our parents because education was not valued by them. Our parents had not finished school and had to leave to help support their families between 6th and 11th grades.
I proceed with the story after one year of college. It is now July 1959 and we both found jobs working at the local canning factory for the paltry sum of $1.00/hr. As you may imagine it was not a job either one of us enjoyed. It was dirty,cold,and the floors were usually wet. Most of the employees were older woman, who actually taught me a great deal about sex. They could see that I was young and naive, and loved to see my face turn crimson red. We were planning to marry in the fall so I actually appreciated the information albeit was in the rather "raw" form much of the time. At the end of a week of very hard work I usually received a total check of approximately $35.00. Out of this my parents took $12.00 for board. This did not leave much money for anything else, but we we pooled our money together and were very happy just being together and doing simple inexpensive things.
Actually, I was hardly ever home which was my decision. I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. My father was a recovering alcoholic, he did not consume alcohol anymore, however he still had the alcoholic behavior. He was full of anger and rage, and physically and mentally abusive to my mother and us kids. Consequently, my parents argued freguently, they called each other every profanity known to mankind. My father would become violent and throw things or tip the kitchen table up side down while we were eating dinner. This usually happened after some small item was not on the table, like the salt shaker. Unfortunately, the argument would start to die down and my mother would refuel it with some comment about my father's past behavior with other woman. There were lots of "secrets" in my family, some which are very difficult and painful for me to discuss, even now, over fifty years later.
Sometime that summer before we were married our school counselor Francis Young called us to come to her home. I was very familiar with Mrs Young as I landed in her office many times for insubordinate behavior. She was wonderful to me, and never disciplined me. She would hug me and say "Carol, you are such a nice girl, why do you do these things?" I didn't know why at that time, I would cry and she would console me. She did a really wonderful thing for me when our junior rings arrived at school. I did not have the money to pick my ring up. At that time in 1957 the ring was the grand total of $18.00. She said, "Carol, I want you to have your ring along with your classmates. She paid for the ring and allowed me to repay her $1 or 2 dollars a week until the ring was paid for. Anyway, I am getting off the track again. Lee and I decided to go to see Mrs. Young mostly because we were curious as to why she wanted to see us. She told us that several teachers had called her to express their disappointment and disbelief that Lee was not going back to college in the fall. Lee and I proudly told her that we were planning to be married in the fall and Lee would return to school at some later date. That was probably not the most prudent thing to say at the time. She sort of spoke an octave higher than her normal tone of voice and said "you will get married and Carol will get pregant and you will never return to school!!" We replied with a very naive answer which we whole heartedly believed. Oh! that will not happen to us!!"
I must sign off for now, the content of this part of the story has been rather difficult for me to dredge up and rehash.
Remember to live each day as though it were to be your last, love life and love one another. Carol
Thursday, March 11, 2010
brightstar
brightstar Here I am back on the job. I just spent 2 hrs composing the next chapter of my story, however, as I've been known to do in the past, I've lost it!! You cannot hear me right now, but there is screaming, and gnashing of teeth. So far I have not uttered one teeny little obscenity. I'm trying to be professional, but actually it was in the Nursing profession that I learned how to really articulate my feelings when frustrated! Therefore, I have on occasion resorted to the more serious obscenities...... You may use your imagination.
Anyway, I am determined to persevere with my story.
Yesterday, when I stated that my husband and I held hands and have never let go, it is really more of a metaphor for the strength and support we have always given each other.
Just as an aside, we still do hold hands a lot, we have always been very tactile and physical. After all, it feels good to be touched, and held. Sometimes just being held and stroked can be extremely relaxing, and therapeutic. Granted, not everyone likes physical contact, but many of those people have their own story.
Studies have shown that babies in Neonatal Intensive Care thrive when they are touched and stimulated. At the medical center where I worked they hired older woman just to hold, touch, and stimulate the tiny premature infants.
Neither Lee, nor I were raised in a loving family. Oh! there were plenty of emotions, anger, and intimidation, but kisses and hugs were very rare. I think in many ways Lee and I fulfilled that physical need in each other. I am not referring to touching of a sexual nature, although it is an important aspect of any relationship.
Sometimes a hug will be all that is needed to comfort a major or perhaps a minor hurt. Lee has impeccable timing, he can read me like a book. Many times he may see a shadow cross my face, but I will insist that everything is fine with me. If he spontaneously hugs me, I usually cry, because I need to release the sadness or stress or whatever it was bothering me. Earlier I made the statement that "we have had a wonderful trip together" and we have, but, it has not been without disappointment, sadness, trials and tribulations along the way. However, it is my belief that it is these hills and valleys where we garner our persistence, stick-to-itiveness, and perseverance, to get up the next morning and start all over again. There is no room for anger and resentment or selfishness.
It actually took me a lot of years with a wonderful and highly skilled psychologist, to work through all of the baggage that I had brought to the marriage. But I am getting ahead of my story and will return to this part of my life later.
After graduation from high school, we both went to our respective colleges. The plans for where we would attend college were all made before we started going together. Therefore, the college that I chose State University of New York @ Plattsburgh was far, far, away from my family. It was situated in northern NY near the Canadian border. My husband chose a college State University of New York @ Brockport that was only about an hour from his home. Consequently, because of the distance we only saw each other during the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Lee had also been accepted @ Cornell University, but his parents thought it was too expensive.
We had no car of course, and depended on an upper classmen who happened to live near my parents. He always saved a seat for me during the holidays. As soon as I returned from one holiday I would reserve my ride for the next trip back home. He charged us the exorbitant price of $2.00 per trip, remember now this was 1958.
When I went home for Thanksgiving Lee and I became engaged. Our happiness and excitement was somewhat abbreviated by the unhappy and negative response we received from our parents. However, we were determined to forge ahead with our plans to be married. Our first year of college was drawing to an end and we were eagerly awaiting the summer together. The plan was for my then fiance to tranfer up to the college that I attended. However, his parents decided that they were no longer able to help him financially. I then made the decision that I would not return to school either. We both come from families where education was not valued nor encouraged. At that point we both acquired jobs at the local canning factory for the paltry sum of $1.00/hr. We quickly learned that we were absolutely not going to work in that dirty and wet factory with the gestapo for a supervisor. It was around the same time that we found out that his parents were no longer going to give Lee any financial assistance for school, we decided to get married. I mean that makes sense doesn't it? We had no money for school, and we decided to marry anyway. It was kind of a fast decision based on the fact that we loved each other, and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. This was the rationale of two 18 year olds.
In retrospect, I understand their point of view, but we were determined. Times were different then, sleeping together was not an option, not for me anyway. Some family members assumed that I was pregnant! When we were married we had never slept together, this may sound "corny" now, but I am proud of that.
One of the qualities I loved about Lee was that he respected my wishes, and if I said "no" it was no, and there was not anymore discussion about it. It was always my wish that when I married, my husband would marry me because he loved me, not because he felt trapped. Our parents had made it clear that they would not help us financially, if we went ahead with the wedding. Well, that was certainly not going to be a deterrent for us. It was full throttle ahead with the plans, the date was to be November 21,1959, one month before we had our 19th birthdays!. I borrowed a wedding gown from my sister-law, a veil from a friend and bought new white heels.
Anyway, I am determined to persevere with my story.
Yesterday, when I stated that my husband and I held hands and have never let go, it is really more of a metaphor for the strength and support we have always given each other.
Just as an aside, we still do hold hands a lot, we have always been very tactile and physical. After all, it feels good to be touched, and held. Sometimes just being held and stroked can be extremely relaxing, and therapeutic. Granted, not everyone likes physical contact, but many of those people have their own story.
Studies have shown that babies in Neonatal Intensive Care thrive when they are touched and stimulated. At the medical center where I worked they hired older woman just to hold, touch, and stimulate the tiny premature infants.
Neither Lee, nor I were raised in a loving family. Oh! there were plenty of emotions, anger, and intimidation, but kisses and hugs were very rare. I think in many ways Lee and I fulfilled that physical need in each other. I am not referring to touching of a sexual nature, although it is an important aspect of any relationship.
Sometimes a hug will be all that is needed to comfort a major or perhaps a minor hurt. Lee has impeccable timing, he can read me like a book. Many times he may see a shadow cross my face, but I will insist that everything is fine with me. If he spontaneously hugs me, I usually cry, because I need to release the sadness or stress or whatever it was bothering me. Earlier I made the statement that "we have had a wonderful trip together" and we have, but, it has not been without disappointment, sadness, trials and tribulations along the way. However, it is my belief that it is these hills and valleys where we garner our persistence, stick-to-itiveness, and perseverance, to get up the next morning and start all over again. There is no room for anger and resentment or selfishness.
It actually took me a lot of years with a wonderful and highly skilled psychologist, to work through all of the baggage that I had brought to the marriage. But I am getting ahead of my story and will return to this part of my life later.
After graduation from high school, we both went to our respective colleges. The plans for where we would attend college were all made before we started going together. Therefore, the college that I chose State University of New York @ Plattsburgh was far, far, away from my family. It was situated in northern NY near the Canadian border. My husband chose a college State University of New York @ Brockport that was only about an hour from his home. Consequently, because of the distance we only saw each other during the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Lee had also been accepted @ Cornell University, but his parents thought it was too expensive.
We had no car of course, and depended on an upper classmen who happened to live near my parents. He always saved a seat for me during the holidays. As soon as I returned from one holiday I would reserve my ride for the next trip back home. He charged us the exorbitant price of $2.00 per trip, remember now this was 1958.
When I went home for Thanksgiving Lee and I became engaged. Our happiness and excitement was somewhat abbreviated by the unhappy and negative response we received from our parents. However, we were determined to forge ahead with our plans to be married. Our first year of college was drawing to an end and we were eagerly awaiting the summer together. The plan was for my then fiance to tranfer up to the college that I attended. However, his parents decided that they were no longer able to help him financially. I then made the decision that I would not return to school either. We both come from families where education was not valued nor encouraged. At that point we both acquired jobs at the local canning factory for the paltry sum of $1.00/hr. We quickly learned that we were absolutely not going to work in that dirty and wet factory with the gestapo for a supervisor. It was around the same time that we found out that his parents were no longer going to give Lee any financial assistance for school, we decided to get married. I mean that makes sense doesn't it? We had no money for school, and we decided to marry anyway. It was kind of a fast decision based on the fact that we loved each other, and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. This was the rationale of two 18 year olds.
In retrospect, I understand their point of view, but we were determined. Times were different then, sleeping together was not an option, not for me anyway. Some family members assumed that I was pregnant! When we were married we had never slept together, this may sound "corny" now, but I am proud of that.
One of the qualities I loved about Lee was that he respected my wishes, and if I said "no" it was no, and there was not anymore discussion about it. It was always my wish that when I married, my husband would marry me because he loved me, not because he felt trapped. Our parents had made it clear that they would not help us financially, if we went ahead with the wedding. Well, that was certainly not going to be a deterrent for us. It was full throttle ahead with the plans, the date was to be November 21,1959, one month before we had our 19th birthdays!. I borrowed a wedding gown from my sister-law, a veil from a friend and bought new white heels.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bright Star
Today is my first day of blogging, so please bear with me until I get all of the wrinkles worked out.
My husband and I have been married for 0ver 50 years. We have known each other since we were in grade school (5th grade) we were about 10 yrs old. It definitely was not love at first sight, but we belonged to the same church, and attended CYO together. Lets say we had a comfortable familiarity with each other. He seemed like a nice guy, although a little nerdish, he appeared to be kind of a loner really. Actually, it turns out that he wasn't a loner by choice, he lived on a farm and was expected to be home right after school to work. He was not allowed to join any activities, because he had to work. If he did stay after school for something, he had to walk the 5 miles home, so that would discourage anyone pretty quickly. On the other hand, I was anything but nerdish. I was always always trying to do extra credit or some such thing to redeem myself with my teachers. I belonged to the "in" crowd. My friends parents were professionals, a teacher, a physician. More refined people than I was accustomed to being around. In retrospect I really do not know why they "let me in." However, I will always be grateful that they did. Maybe they liked me because I was a comedian, perhaps it was that I engaged in some "risky" behavior, for example, I talked back to the teachers, and I smoked cigarettes. By today's standards inconsequential, or it could have been because I was an excellent athlete. Whenever the teams were chosen in gym class, I was always one of the first picked because of my athletic ability. It was one of the areas that I felt confident about myself.
I lived on a farm also as Lee did, and I worked like a man. My father liked to brag to others about how much work his daughter could accomplish. He would make a list of duties for me every day, and I would never have dared NOT to perform every single task. The punishment would not have been worth it. Therefore, my focus was more in how many school activities I could join to delay going home. My family was seriously dysfunctional. My dad was a recovering alcoholic. He did not drink anymore, but he had a fierce temper, which did not change when he ceased to drink. We were a family of many secrets, and we all played our parts well, as we were directed by our parents. Incidents which we witnessed or experienced, really did not occur the way we thought. My mother actually received that black eye from bumping into the cupboard door, not as I had witnessed, which was that my father had punched her in the face during one of their many arguments. This is very scarey and confusing for a child, but the secrets were known and kept "under our roof." Those were "the rules."
Consequently, for me school activities were my salvation. I was a member of the band, chorus, student council, photography class, participated in tennis touraments, I had a small part in the junior play, and just basically kept myself very involved away from home.
The relationship with my husband started in April 1958. It was an exciting time for us, we were seniors in high school, and we were getting ready to go on our class trip to Wash. D.C. We were taking the train from Newark, New York, to Union Station in Washington D.C. It was a distance of approximately 500 miles. One of the class officers suggested the idea that the girls on the trip would pack the lunches for the train ride to Wash. But first the fellas in the class would have to ask a particular girl if he could carry her luggage. At first. I was not exactly happy with the guy who asked to carry my bags, little did I know that he would be my future husband.
Our first date we went to see "Bridge On the River Kwai." All I am able to remember about it is that I fell asleep. I had hardly had any sleep since we left home, actually all of us were exhausted. The girls that I roomed with, including myself, talked most of the night. I was embarassed the next day when I saw Lee, but it didn't appear to bother him that I had slept, because we spent the entire next day together. We double dated that night, and the next. We were quite inseparable. I was a little puzzled though, we had spent all those hours together, and Lee had not even tried to kiss me. But we were both quite shy, and inexperienced, and slow was fine with me. I had been on a couple blind dates where the guy was all over me, I definitely did not want that. After we had been married many years, I kidded Lee about it and told him I thought he needed a "jump start" at the beginning of our courtship!
After we returned home from our Senoir Trip we really started to get to know each other. Lee was the kindest, most caring, and most considerate guy I had ever met. The real surprise for me was that he loved me, and wanted to marry me. Many years later we talked about the early days, and Lee admitted that he had felt the same. We have both always felt very fortunate to have found each other.
The reason I give you all of this background information, is because so-o many people over the years have asked us, "what is your secret?" You seem so happy together, and, you really seem to like each other. This is all true, in fact, we are crazy about each other. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he walks up behind me and puts his arms around me. If we have been apart for some reason, I always anticipate our reuniting with great joy. We have so much fun together, and can get pretty silly, of course I am always making "wise cracks," and we are like a couple of kids at times. We really have a lot of and laughs together! An important component of our marriage is that we are still "in love" with each other. We joke about our high school labels which were bestowed upon us by our classmates, and how our relationship may be enhanced by them. Lee was voted "most studious", and "most likely to succeed". I, on the other hand was voted "class clown." It turned out to be a fantastic and winning combination for us. Our relationship was the talk of the school. The teachers were even talking about it. I was a familiar face in the Guidance Counselors office, and always in trouble. Not serious trouble, usually it was because I sassed back to the teacher. Our counselor. Mrs Young was very good to me when I was sent to her office. We mostly just talked. She would say, "Carol, you are such a nice girl, why do you do the things you do?" I had no idea why I acted as I did at that time in my life. In retrospect she probably suspected an abusive and dysfunctional family at home. She never questioned me about my home life. Things were very different then, teachers and "outsiders" were not welcomed.
Marriage is a lot of work, sacrificing, negotiating, forgiving, forgetting, supporting one another in good and not so good times. Marriage has been a journey for us, we clasped hands over 50 years ago and we have never let go, and what a wonderful trip we have had. For me personally, I felt safe and loved for the first time in my life, and I was happy.
I'll give you some more of my thoughts next time. Until then be good to each other, Brightstar
My husband and I have been married for 0ver 50 years. We have known each other since we were in grade school (5th grade) we were about 10 yrs old. It definitely was not love at first sight, but we belonged to the same church, and attended CYO together. Lets say we had a comfortable familiarity with each other. He seemed like a nice guy, although a little nerdish, he appeared to be kind of a loner really. Actually, it turns out that he wasn't a loner by choice, he lived on a farm and was expected to be home right after school to work. He was not allowed to join any activities, because he had to work. If he did stay after school for something, he had to walk the 5 miles home, so that would discourage anyone pretty quickly. On the other hand, I was anything but nerdish. I was always always trying to do extra credit or some such thing to redeem myself with my teachers. I belonged to the "in" crowd. My friends parents were professionals, a teacher, a physician. More refined people than I was accustomed to being around. In retrospect I really do not know why they "let me in." However, I will always be grateful that they did. Maybe they liked me because I was a comedian, perhaps it was that I engaged in some "risky" behavior, for example, I talked back to the teachers, and I smoked cigarettes. By today's standards inconsequential, or it could have been because I was an excellent athlete. Whenever the teams were chosen in gym class, I was always one of the first picked because of my athletic ability. It was one of the areas that I felt confident about myself.
I lived on a farm also as Lee did, and I worked like a man. My father liked to brag to others about how much work his daughter could accomplish. He would make a list of duties for me every day, and I would never have dared NOT to perform every single task. The punishment would not have been worth it. Therefore, my focus was more in how many school activities I could join to delay going home. My family was seriously dysfunctional. My dad was a recovering alcoholic. He did not drink anymore, but he had a fierce temper, which did not change when he ceased to drink. We were a family of many secrets, and we all played our parts well, as we were directed by our parents. Incidents which we witnessed or experienced, really did not occur the way we thought. My mother actually received that black eye from bumping into the cupboard door, not as I had witnessed, which was that my father had punched her in the face during one of their many arguments. This is very scarey and confusing for a child, but the secrets were known and kept "under our roof." Those were "the rules."
Consequently, for me school activities were my salvation. I was a member of the band, chorus, student council, photography class, participated in tennis touraments, I had a small part in the junior play, and just basically kept myself very involved away from home.
The relationship with my husband started in April 1958. It was an exciting time for us, we were seniors in high school, and we were getting ready to go on our class trip to Wash. D.C. We were taking the train from Newark, New York, to Union Station in Washington D.C. It was a distance of approximately 500 miles. One of the class officers suggested the idea that the girls on the trip would pack the lunches for the train ride to Wash. But first the fellas in the class would have to ask a particular girl if he could carry her luggage. At first. I was not exactly happy with the guy who asked to carry my bags, little did I know that he would be my future husband.
Our first date we went to see "Bridge On the River Kwai." All I am able to remember about it is that I fell asleep. I had hardly had any sleep since we left home, actually all of us were exhausted. The girls that I roomed with, including myself, talked most of the night. I was embarassed the next day when I saw Lee, but it didn't appear to bother him that I had slept, because we spent the entire next day together. We double dated that night, and the next. We were quite inseparable. I was a little puzzled though, we had spent all those hours together, and Lee had not even tried to kiss me. But we were both quite shy, and inexperienced, and slow was fine with me. I had been on a couple blind dates where the guy was all over me, I definitely did not want that. After we had been married many years, I kidded Lee about it and told him I thought he needed a "jump start" at the beginning of our courtship!
After we returned home from our Senoir Trip we really started to get to know each other. Lee was the kindest, most caring, and most considerate guy I had ever met. The real surprise for me was that he loved me, and wanted to marry me. Many years later we talked about the early days, and Lee admitted that he had felt the same. We have both always felt very fortunate to have found each other.
The reason I give you all of this background information, is because so-o many people over the years have asked us, "what is your secret?" You seem so happy together, and, you really seem to like each other. This is all true, in fact, we are crazy about each other. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he walks up behind me and puts his arms around me. If we have been apart for some reason, I always anticipate our reuniting with great joy. We have so much fun together, and can get pretty silly, of course I am always making "wise cracks," and we are like a couple of kids at times. We really have a lot of and laughs together! An important component of our marriage is that we are still "in love" with each other. We joke about our high school labels which were bestowed upon us by our classmates, and how our relationship may be enhanced by them. Lee was voted "most studious", and "most likely to succeed". I, on the other hand was voted "class clown." It turned out to be a fantastic and winning combination for us. Our relationship was the talk of the school. The teachers were even talking about it. I was a familiar face in the Guidance Counselors office, and always in trouble. Not serious trouble, usually it was because I sassed back to the teacher. Our counselor. Mrs Young was very good to me when I was sent to her office. We mostly just talked. She would say, "Carol, you are such a nice girl, why do you do the things you do?" I had no idea why I acted as I did at that time in my life. In retrospect she probably suspected an abusive and dysfunctional family at home. She never questioned me about my home life. Things were very different then, teachers and "outsiders" were not welcomed.
Marriage is a lot of work, sacrificing, negotiating, forgiving, forgetting, supporting one another in good and not so good times. Marriage has been a journey for us, we clasped hands over 50 years ago and we have never let go, and what a wonderful trip we have had. For me personally, I felt safe and loved for the first time in my life, and I was happy.
I'll give you some more of my thoughts next time. Until then be good to each other, Brightstar
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