Our daughter's were ages 6 years and 9 years old at the time our son's problems started. They loved their "big brother" and could not understand the change in his behavior. He had become distant and irritable, and did not want to bother with his sisters anymore. He refused to keep his curfew, and basically told us that he would come home when he felt like it. We grounded him, then he started leaving the house by going out of the window. I sat up until all hours of the night waiting for him to come home. Many years later, the girls expressed anger towards me. They felt they did not get "their needs" met because I spent so much time trying to "fix" our son. It was years later before I learned that when one member of the family is ill, it effects the entire family, and is very disruptive. It makes perfect sense to me now, the family is out of balance. Unfortunately, I was not so introspective, or knowledgeable at the time.
Lee and I tried everything to turn our son around, to no avail. He didn't care about what we wanted, or what anyone else wanted, except for his so so called "friends." I would stay up until midnight or later trying to talk to him and explain why we were so concerned about him, and why he had rules to live by. I might have just as well talked to the walls, but I was desperate and I wanted my son back. I felt driven to do something, anything, to help our son to come back to the family. I must be honest here and say that Lee and I were not on the same wave length with our son. Lee insinuated that I was making the problems bigger than they actually were. I felt alone, I felt like I was the cause of our son's behavior problems. After all, my family of origin was certainly dysfunctional with a long line of addicted personalities. Years later while Lee and I were participating in a Marriage Encounter weekend, we talked, and talked, about many things we had never discussed before. It was very emotional for Lee as we recounted that chapter of our life and how painful it was for all of us. A sentinel event occurred one morning shortly after our son had left for school. The school nurse called to say that he had admitted to ingesting 5 Valium pills earlier that morning. The valium tablets were 5 mg. each for a total of 25 mg. The normal dosage is usually 5 mg., therefore you can imagine that he was quite medicated, and stuporous. Luckily, he was 6 ft. tall and weighed about 140, or the results could have been even more disasterous. I picked him up at the school and I had to stimulate him constantly to keep him awake. I called Lee home from the hospital immediately. He was very angry with our son, but did not suggest that we take him to the hospital. We could take care of it ourselves, all we had to do was to keep stimulating him until the Valium wore off. I insisted that we take him to the hospital, and when I make up my mind, I am like a "dog with a bone."Lee complied with my wishes, however he was not in agreement with them and we took our son to Walter Reed Medical Center Emergency Room, where they quickly shunted him to Pediatrics. He was 15 years old at the time. The physician spoke with us, he had already examined and talked with our son. He did not really see any reason for further treatment, because he felt that our son had just experimented this one time. I am compelled to tell you here that our son was a master of deception, and he had "hoodwinked" yet another professional. I was not going to be disuaded and made my wishes known. Both our son and Lee were not happy with me, but as a result of this conversation, we scheduled an appointment with Family Therapy. At first we were scheduled for therapy 3 times per week. One appointment for all 3 of us, another appointment for our son alone, and the third appointment for Lee and I alone. I was the only person who really participated in those therapy sessions. I was very open and honest, but it was like "swimming up stream" for me. Lee had very little to say in therapy, and it seemed to become the focus of the Psychiatrist to prod, poke and ignite Lee's anger, in order to elicit some type of feedback from him. It did not work, and Lee really resented the Psychiatrist's tactics. Once again I felt so alone and unsupported. There were times when I felt like I would lose my mind. There were days when I felt like my family would be much better off without me. I started to drink to medicate myself and ease the pain. These were all my unspoken thoughts at the time. I really did not have a confident who I could talk with. After approximately one year our Psychiatrist proclaimed that our son was just a "normal" teenager. I was shocked, dismayed, and disappointed. It was appalling to me that I seemed to be the only person who gave witness to the devious and delinquent behaviors that our son exhibited. When he was a sophomore in high school we were asked to remove him from school OR the school would expel him. Being expelled would be worse for his records they said, so we complied with the administration and removed him. He obtained his GED at a later time, this for a young man who wanted to attend Annapolis at one time. Our son was a very intelligent young man, he had so many aspirations and plans for his future. He was an honor student, and tutored other students who needed assistance. The reason for removing him the school told us was because he was always "high" or "stoned." This was heart breaking for me, I could not believe the way our son had changed. It was like I didn't even know him anymore. Many, many tears were shed over the years as I continued to try and get him to turn his life around. He said he was perfectly happy with his life the way it was, he was fine, it was my problem, he did not have a problem. Lee was still on active duty in the Army, and many times after a big quarrel we would have to make an appearance at a reception, or party. Those events were absolutely joy less for me, but I could plaster a smile on my face for a short time. None of our friends realized what was happening in our household, we were all such good actors in our family. My early life as a child in a dysfunctional family had prepared me well to keep secrets. Around 1976 Lee received orders for Germany which were quickly rescinded after he explained our situation to his commander. It was very disappointing as we had always hoped that we would be able to travel to Europe. It would have been impossible to even consider such a move at this time. Our son was only 16 years old and still heavily involved with drugs. We insisted that he do things with the family, even if it was just going out to dinner. It was not pleasant for any of us though, because he would rush through his dinner and then sit there and pout until we finished, and left the restaurant. He just became more and more distant and disengaged from us, and with life in general. About that time we found out that our biggest nightmare was true, our son was using Heroin. One Saturday morning, I found our son laying on our front porch, it was quite cold outdoors, and he was sleeping on the cold cement. Thank God Lee was at home, it took both of us to get him in the house related to his drugged condition. We stayed with him the entire day, making sure that he was responsive, and of course, the likelihood of him vomiting and aspirating into his lungs was high, so that was another reason for us to be vigilant. I don't remember much conversation between Lee and I that day. Our relationship then and now was worlds apart. We were definitely not in agreement as to the path of treatment we should seek for our son. I think I was still the only one who felt that we needed to do something, and do it quickly.
Keep in mind that we all still attended therapy sessions twice a week. At this time it was suggested that our son be admitted to an inpatient treatment facility. He was in the program for several months, however he really did not participate. He was not interested in rehabilitation, he did not have a problem. It was us, Lee and I, who had the problem. In reality, Lee, myself, and our son were each on our separate little islands. Lee was in denial in a major way. He told me at the time that I was always looking for things to find fault with our son. At that time, I felt so alone and unsupported. This was a very dark time in our marriage. Lee and I began to argue frequently when he was at home. He worked 2 jobs, and at that time I stayed home and took care of the children and household responsibilities. I was usually always alone when something bad happened with our son. Therefore, I was left to my own devices to try and handle the problem As I sit here and try to recall the events of that dark period of our lives, it seems like it all happened in another life, another time so long ago
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"our move to Wash. D.C. and the beginning of the 20 year loss of our son"
I have delayed long enough to attempt to continue this trying period of our lives.
Our son was an excellent student, albeit difficult for him each time we moved to a different assignment. He was entering puberty and consequently was experiencing many changes, emotionally and physically. He was 6 ft. tall which was taller than most of his friends at that time. However, his emotions had not caught up with his height. At the age of 14 he started to leave the house at night to meet up with his friends who did not have a curfew. Lee and I were not aware of this however for quite a while. Actually, Remembering back, I think it was several months before we found out. The layout of the house was a split level, so that our son had his bedroom downstairs and the girls and Lee and I were on the second level. There was a door downstairs which made his exits very smooth without us hearing him leave. One night Lee went down to talk to our son about 10 PM, it was a school night so he should have been in his room. However, he was not in his room and we were incredulous. We started to check with the neighbors and after only a few minutes we found him. He was at one of the neighbors who had 2 teenage girls a few years older than our son. This particular house appeared to be a meeting place for several teenagers who were not really concerned with school, but rather they were engaged in other activities. One of these activities was smoking pot and staying up until all hours of the night. Up to this point we had never had any serious problems with our son. His grades however had started to slide and we were concerned about it and tried to talk to him about it. At that time he had also been tutoring other students, but his interest started to decline. He became distant and was no longer interested in family activities. He refused to keep his curfew and would tell me "I will not be here, so don't bother waiting for me." At this time it seemed like I was always alone to handle these problems. Lee worked a second job and therefore was absent a lot when significant events happened. I tried to talk to Lee about our son's problems, but he was in denial. He would tell me "you are always looking for something." It was around this time that a family member visited us and knew that our son was leaving the house at night. However, she chose not to inform us for reasons of her own. It was actually several years after these events before she informed us of her knowledge of his leaving the house and staying out all hours of the night. This was and remains for me a very painful disclosure. For me, there would have been no doubt that I would inform the parents of any inappropriate or harmful behavior. In fact, I have done that very thing on several different occasions to protect the child's welfare.
It was in the spring of 1975 the school called to say that our son had ingested 25 mg of Valium and was quite incapacitated. I immediately went to the school to bring our son home, and subsequently to the hospital. He had obtained the Valium from our medicine cabinet at home. Lee was at work when I called him and met me at the hospital. The physician who saw our son thought that it was an isolated incident and we should not worry about it. However, I persisted verbalizing my concern because I felt that we should be engaged in some sort of therapy with our son. The therapy was helpful to me. Lee and our son went through the motions to please me, I am assuming. Our son simply pulled the wool over the psychiatrists eyes. Actually, the psychiatrist told us that our son was just a normal teenager, and he would out grow this behavior. A few weeks later, after receiving phone calls all hours of the night, and unsavory characters coming to our home, it was evident that our son was selling drugs. I called the psychiatrist and asked him "is this what you consider normal teen age behavior?" He admitted that he had been "hood-winked!" Lee and I were devastated and did not know where to turn for help. We did continue with therapy for another year, but it really was not helpful. In order for therapy to help the participants have to want to be there. Lee and our son did not want to be there, they were only there physically. Remember, that this was 1975, and therapy was not something that most people wanted to participate in. You definitely did not want this information written on paper in your personal file.
I have struggled with recalling this time period of my life and the events which occurred. A curtain of sadness has been drawn over me as I relive this period of my life. It is actually much more difficult than I expected it to be. I will fill in the rest of the blanks soon , I promise.
Our son was an excellent student, albeit difficult for him each time we moved to a different assignment. He was entering puberty and consequently was experiencing many changes, emotionally and physically. He was 6 ft. tall which was taller than most of his friends at that time. However, his emotions had not caught up with his height. At the age of 14 he started to leave the house at night to meet up with his friends who did not have a curfew. Lee and I were not aware of this however for quite a while. Actually, Remembering back, I think it was several months before we found out. The layout of the house was a split level, so that our son had his bedroom downstairs and the girls and Lee and I were on the second level. There was a door downstairs which made his exits very smooth without us hearing him leave. One night Lee went down to talk to our son about 10 PM, it was a school night so he should have been in his room. However, he was not in his room and we were incredulous. We started to check with the neighbors and after only a few minutes we found him. He was at one of the neighbors who had 2 teenage girls a few years older than our son. This particular house appeared to be a meeting place for several teenagers who were not really concerned with school, but rather they were engaged in other activities. One of these activities was smoking pot and staying up until all hours of the night. Up to this point we had never had any serious problems with our son. His grades however had started to slide and we were concerned about it and tried to talk to him about it. At that time he had also been tutoring other students, but his interest started to decline. He became distant and was no longer interested in family activities. He refused to keep his curfew and would tell me "I will not be here, so don't bother waiting for me." At this time it seemed like I was always alone to handle these problems. Lee worked a second job and therefore was absent a lot when significant events happened. I tried to talk to Lee about our son's problems, but he was in denial. He would tell me "you are always looking for something." It was around this time that a family member visited us and knew that our son was leaving the house at night. However, she chose not to inform us for reasons of her own. It was actually several years after these events before she informed us of her knowledge of his leaving the house and staying out all hours of the night. This was and remains for me a very painful disclosure. For me, there would have been no doubt that I would inform the parents of any inappropriate or harmful behavior. In fact, I have done that very thing on several different occasions to protect the child's welfare.
It was in the spring of 1975 the school called to say that our son had ingested 25 mg of Valium and was quite incapacitated. I immediately went to the school to bring our son home, and subsequently to the hospital. He had obtained the Valium from our medicine cabinet at home. Lee was at work when I called him and met me at the hospital. The physician who saw our son thought that it was an isolated incident and we should not worry about it. However, I persisted verbalizing my concern because I felt that we should be engaged in some sort of therapy with our son. The therapy was helpful to me. Lee and our son went through the motions to please me, I am assuming. Our son simply pulled the wool over the psychiatrists eyes. Actually, the psychiatrist told us that our son was just a normal teenager, and he would out grow this behavior. A few weeks later, after receiving phone calls all hours of the night, and unsavory characters coming to our home, it was evident that our son was selling drugs. I called the psychiatrist and asked him "is this what you consider normal teen age behavior?" He admitted that he had been "hood-winked!" Lee and I were devastated and did not know where to turn for help. We did continue with therapy for another year, but it really was not helpful. In order for therapy to help the participants have to want to be there. Lee and our son did not want to be there, they were only there physically. Remember, that this was 1975, and therapy was not something that most people wanted to participate in. You definitely did not want this information written on paper in your personal file.
I have struggled with recalling this time period of my life and the events which occurred. A curtain of sadness has been drawn over me as I relive this period of my life. It is actually much more difficult than I expected it to be. I will fill in the rest of the blanks soon , I promise.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"A day in the life"
To all my blog readers,
Today was a really wonderful day for me, not because anything special happened, it is just the way I feel inside. It is a feeling which is difficult to describe, a feeling that all is right with the world. It is also an emotional time for me as well, I may become weepy just watching my grandchildren play, or when they say something which really touches my heart. Everything is a wonder to me now. Recently. our daughter told us she felt the baby move for the first time that day, it was very special that she shared that with us, and also very emotional for both Lee and I. It seems like just a short time ago our children were young and Lee and I were struggling to make ends meet. Now we have lived over three quarters of our lives, and starting to have some health issues. The years have passed by like a sudden windstorm and our lives have been fast forwarded. Where have the years gone? When we are young, we yearn to be older, then all of a sudden we are older and cannot understand how it happened. Seemingly in the blink of an eye, the years move swiftly by, unnoticed. One would think that this is rich and valuable information for our young people today. However, many will make the same mistakes that their parents and grand parents made. They all rush, rush, rush to make a living, instead of just living!! Enjoy one another, savor each day, look around and appreciate the beauty of this country we live in, the freedom we enjoy, and thank God for every single day of your life.
Sometimes, I question my life, "Why have I been given so much? Why am I filled with happiness and gratitude? Part of the answer is that I love and accept myself now. I have forgiven myself for all of the mistakes I have made in my life. This need to be perfect that many of us seem to strive for. Women especially, seem to think that they have to be the be all end all to everyone they interact with, "super moms", super wives" Why? We are human beings with human frailties and consequently we do error at times. I have beaten myself up because I think I could have been a better mother. In retrospect I would have done things differently. Hindsight is a great thing. My role models growing up did not practice methods which I agreed with, corporeal punishment, guilty as charged. Looking back I was 19 years old when I had our first child, with no real tools to help me. The one thing I did have was Love and that is where I began.
Now Lee and I are on the last leg of our trip through the beautiful Northwest. It was Lee's idea that we travel up north for cooler climate to try to improve my health. I have a Chronic Neurological Disease which is worse in the high temperatures of Arizona. It was not something that I had even considered or thought about. My husband is a very unselfish man. It is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. As far as he is concerned "it is no big deal" The man has driven close to 6000 miles so far. If I look at the map and say "gee that looks like a beautiful place" or "lets see what is on the other side of this island" Lee points our vehicle in that direction. It has been a magical trip in many ways. We could do whatever we wanted when we wanted. It has been good for me in the north country, I do feel better and seem to have a little more energy.
Lee and I have been married for 50 years, but age is a relative thing. Yes, of course chronologically we are old enough to be married 50 years, but we don't think at that level yet. This trip in actuality is our umpteenth "honeymoon." Sometimes we act like kids again. After all it is just the two of us, nobody else witnesses how "goofy" we can be together. At our age the inhibitions gotta go too. I mean come on "whats to hide at this age." Both of us are still kind of "touchy feely kind of people. Just with each other, and/ or the kids and grandshildren. Who doesn't like to be touched? Did you know that they hire woman for the Neonatal ICU for the sole purpose of holding and stimulating the premature infants? Studies have shown that the infants will not thrive and grow if they do not receive tactile stimulation?
Lee and I still hold hands which would be a difficult habit to break, since we started it in 1958. Some people consider this a corny and high school type behavior thing to do. It works for us. I have to say though that it never ceases to amaze me how some couples still have so many walls up. I was having lunch with a friend one day and I had asked her how her husband was doing? At that time they had been married over 30 years. She told me that she was very unhappy with their sex life. I said have you told Bill how you feel? She almost choked on her sandwich. She said "I can't tell him that." Well, you are telling me, I countered! Talk to each other. PLEASE!!
When I was getting the RV ready to leave I selected about 25 musical CDS to play on our journey. We have played one CD so far, and that one not to completion. The reason for that is that we talk. We talk about our kids, our grandchildren, what we want to do when we get back home, future trips we may be thinking about. AND, we laugh. We can laugh at the most simple things and sometimes just get so silly that we cannot stop laughing!I can honestly say that we love being together and enjoy each others company. One of the main reason's for this is that we are still "in love" with each other. We still do things for each other that for many couples fall by the wayside after their marriage vows. Lee still opens the car door for me and opens store doors, and thinks nothing of it. We both wait on each other at home. If Lee cooks the meal, I cleanup, and vice verse. Probably, the caregiver in each of us helps, because we do "take care" of each other. I know instinctively if something is going on with Lee, and he with me. A day never passes that we don't tell each other "I love You!" Actually, many times every day this is spoken. It also does not hurt that "I am still the "clown," and I am still very "spontaneous!" If I feel like giving him a kiss I do it, he has NEVER pulled away. In fact he loves it! Believe me, I do not profess to know everything about marriage. However, I can share what has worked for us, and believe me over the years many people have asked me how they can achieve what Lee and I share. Many couples hunger for a good marriage and are searching for answers. This is my belief, and this is what I see.
I feel so blessed to have had so many wonderful experiences in my life. The military was difficult at times, but it provided us with so-o many beautiful places to visit. Our family lived in Germany for 4 years and visited so-o many countries, and enjoyed the customs and culture of each place we visited. Many special people have been in my life, people who believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. These people helped me immensely, some are gone now, but I will always treasure them.
I have found peace in my life, a peace I have searched for most of my life. It doesn't take much to make me happy now. Years ago I had a lot of anger and a very short fuse. With the assistance of a very learned and erudite psychologist in Maine I have worked through all of that "stuff." She has assisted me in maneuvering through the very dark chasms of my life. There were incidents in my life that I had never discussed with anyone, not even Lee, and I tell him everything. I feel very fortunate indeed to have found such an experienced individual to work with. We just seemed to click and I trust her implicitly. Believe me I did not trust many people at that time. I have a incredible life partner who has made me happier than I ever thought possible. We have 3 wonderful children whom we love and who love us. AND we have 4 beautiful grandchildren and anxiously awaiting a new one in January. I live for my family and love being involved with the grand kids and their projects. I want our grandchildren to know that they are loved and that they are very important to us. Sometimes I think we lose sight of what is important in life. Believe me it is not "accumulating things!" Our grandchildren have helped me to keep reassessing what is important and necessary in my life. When I look into the eyes of our 6 year old granddaughter I see a wonderful little girl who is happy and carefree, and who loves her family and extended family. She loves it when her cousins all get together at our house and has told me many times, "I love my family." Usually, I try to have some activities planned for the kids when they all come to the house. One of the things they absolutely love is making their own pizza. We have several different kinds of veggies, cheeses and pepperoni and they can just go at it any way they wish. Sometimes after every one has left except my daughter and her 2 little ones, I'll ask Olivia who is 6 , "what did you enjoy the most?" She will think and think, and then reply "I loved everything the best. "Children know what is important to them. They love it when Lee and I do anything with them. Sometimes we take them to Home Depot or Lowe's to get flowers and then we let them plant the flowers themselves. It is fun for us just to watch how enthusiastic they are. Sometimes I will get down on the floor with them, or play "hide and seek"." I can become very uninhibited with the "grand-kids." I sing and dance with them and even crawl through those "maze" like apparatus they have. As you can tell I am crazy about my grandchildren. They are a "gift" from God. Being a grandmother is a privilege. One that I take very seriously. They have changed my life in so many ways and I am eternally grateful to them. Now I know what is important in my life. We have a 2 yr. old grandson Ben who I call my "Velcro" child. Before we went away on our trip he called me "meemaw," when we returned he now calls me "g-maw." We are making progress folks!!
My wish for all of you is that you will find peace and happiness in your life. Pick your arguments, and try to find the good in people. For those of you who are married and somewhat disenchanted with your marriage. Remember what it was that initially attracted you to your husband or partner. Sometimes, the very attribute that you loved about your guy will be the exact same habit that "drives you crazy" now. Talk about it, tell your husband how you feel and what you like and do not like. It sounds tough, but believe me it is not. Just start talking . Make sure you have some quiet time without children and just devote it to each other. Rekindle those feelings and put romance in your life. Just because you are married doesn't mean that you can't have romance in your marriage. It is fun and essential to a good relationship.
Watch for my new blog.
Carol
Today was a really wonderful day for me, not because anything special happened, it is just the way I feel inside. It is a feeling which is difficult to describe, a feeling that all is right with the world. It is also an emotional time for me as well, I may become weepy just watching my grandchildren play, or when they say something which really touches my heart. Everything is a wonder to me now. Recently. our daughter told us she felt the baby move for the first time that day, it was very special that she shared that with us, and also very emotional for both Lee and I. It seems like just a short time ago our children were young and Lee and I were struggling to make ends meet. Now we have lived over three quarters of our lives, and starting to have some health issues. The years have passed by like a sudden windstorm and our lives have been fast forwarded. Where have the years gone? When we are young, we yearn to be older, then all of a sudden we are older and cannot understand how it happened. Seemingly in the blink of an eye, the years move swiftly by, unnoticed. One would think that this is rich and valuable information for our young people today. However, many will make the same mistakes that their parents and grand parents made. They all rush, rush, rush to make a living, instead of just living!! Enjoy one another, savor each day, look around and appreciate the beauty of this country we live in, the freedom we enjoy, and thank God for every single day of your life.
Sometimes, I question my life, "Why have I been given so much? Why am I filled with happiness and gratitude? Part of the answer is that I love and accept myself now. I have forgiven myself for all of the mistakes I have made in my life. This need to be perfect that many of us seem to strive for. Women especially, seem to think that they have to be the be all end all to everyone they interact with, "super moms", super wives" Why? We are human beings with human frailties and consequently we do error at times. I have beaten myself up because I think I could have been a better mother. In retrospect I would have done things differently. Hindsight is a great thing. My role models growing up did not practice methods which I agreed with, corporeal punishment, guilty as charged. Looking back I was 19 years old when I had our first child, with no real tools to help me. The one thing I did have was Love and that is where I began.
Now Lee and I are on the last leg of our trip through the beautiful Northwest. It was Lee's idea that we travel up north for cooler climate to try to improve my health. I have a Chronic Neurological Disease which is worse in the high temperatures of Arizona. It was not something that I had even considered or thought about. My husband is a very unselfish man. It is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. As far as he is concerned "it is no big deal" The man has driven close to 6000 miles so far. If I look at the map and say "gee that looks like a beautiful place" or "lets see what is on the other side of this island" Lee points our vehicle in that direction. It has been a magical trip in many ways. We could do whatever we wanted when we wanted. It has been good for me in the north country, I do feel better and seem to have a little more energy.
Lee and I have been married for 50 years, but age is a relative thing. Yes, of course chronologically we are old enough to be married 50 years, but we don't think at that level yet. This trip in actuality is our umpteenth "honeymoon." Sometimes we act like kids again. After all it is just the two of us, nobody else witnesses how "goofy" we can be together. At our age the inhibitions gotta go too. I mean come on "whats to hide at this age." Both of us are still kind of "touchy feely kind of people. Just with each other, and/ or the kids and grandshildren. Who doesn't like to be touched? Did you know that they hire woman for the Neonatal ICU for the sole purpose of holding and stimulating the premature infants? Studies have shown that the infants will not thrive and grow if they do not receive tactile stimulation?
Lee and I still hold hands which would be a difficult habit to break, since we started it in 1958. Some people consider this a corny and high school type behavior thing to do. It works for us. I have to say though that it never ceases to amaze me how some couples still have so many walls up. I was having lunch with a friend one day and I had asked her how her husband was doing? At that time they had been married over 30 years. She told me that she was very unhappy with their sex life. I said have you told Bill how you feel? She almost choked on her sandwich. She said "I can't tell him that." Well, you are telling me, I countered! Talk to each other. PLEASE!!
When I was getting the RV ready to leave I selected about 25 musical CDS to play on our journey. We have played one CD so far, and that one not to completion. The reason for that is that we talk. We talk about our kids, our grandchildren, what we want to do when we get back home, future trips we may be thinking about. AND, we laugh. We can laugh at the most simple things and sometimes just get so silly that we cannot stop laughing!I can honestly say that we love being together and enjoy each others company. One of the main reason's for this is that we are still "in love" with each other. We still do things for each other that for many couples fall by the wayside after their marriage vows. Lee still opens the car door for me and opens store doors, and thinks nothing of it. We both wait on each other at home. If Lee cooks the meal, I cleanup, and vice verse. Probably, the caregiver in each of us helps, because we do "take care" of each other. I know instinctively if something is going on with Lee, and he with me. A day never passes that we don't tell each other "I love You!" Actually, many times every day this is spoken. It also does not hurt that "I am still the "clown," and I am still very "spontaneous!" If I feel like giving him a kiss I do it, he has NEVER pulled away. In fact he loves it! Believe me, I do not profess to know everything about marriage. However, I can share what has worked for us, and believe me over the years many people have asked me how they can achieve what Lee and I share. Many couples hunger for a good marriage and are searching for answers. This is my belief, and this is what I see.
I feel so blessed to have had so many wonderful experiences in my life. The military was difficult at times, but it provided us with so-o many beautiful places to visit. Our family lived in Germany for 4 years and visited so-o many countries, and enjoyed the customs and culture of each place we visited. Many special people have been in my life, people who believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. These people helped me immensely, some are gone now, but I will always treasure them.
I have found peace in my life, a peace I have searched for most of my life. It doesn't take much to make me happy now. Years ago I had a lot of anger and a very short fuse. With the assistance of a very learned and erudite psychologist in Maine I have worked through all of that "stuff." She has assisted me in maneuvering through the very dark chasms of my life. There were incidents in my life that I had never discussed with anyone, not even Lee, and I tell him everything. I feel very fortunate indeed to have found such an experienced individual to work with. We just seemed to click and I trust her implicitly. Believe me I did not trust many people at that time. I have a incredible life partner who has made me happier than I ever thought possible. We have 3 wonderful children whom we love and who love us. AND we have 4 beautiful grandchildren and anxiously awaiting a new one in January. I live for my family and love being involved with the grand kids and their projects. I want our grandchildren to know that they are loved and that they are very important to us. Sometimes I think we lose sight of what is important in life. Believe me it is not "accumulating things!" Our grandchildren have helped me to keep reassessing what is important and necessary in my life. When I look into the eyes of our 6 year old granddaughter I see a wonderful little girl who is happy and carefree, and who loves her family and extended family. She loves it when her cousins all get together at our house and has told me many times, "I love my family." Usually, I try to have some activities planned for the kids when they all come to the house. One of the things they absolutely love is making their own pizza. We have several different kinds of veggies, cheeses and pepperoni and they can just go at it any way they wish. Sometimes after every one has left except my daughter and her 2 little ones, I'll ask Olivia who is 6 , "what did you enjoy the most?" She will think and think, and then reply "I loved everything the best. "Children know what is important to them. They love it when Lee and I do anything with them. Sometimes we take them to Home Depot or Lowe's to get flowers and then we let them plant the flowers themselves. It is fun for us just to watch how enthusiastic they are. Sometimes I will get down on the floor with them, or play "hide and seek"." I can become very uninhibited with the "grand-kids." I sing and dance with them and even crawl through those "maze" like apparatus they have. As you can tell I am crazy about my grandchildren. They are a "gift" from God. Being a grandmother is a privilege. One that I take very seriously. They have changed my life in so many ways and I am eternally grateful to them. Now I know what is important in my life. We have a 2 yr. old grandson Ben who I call my "Velcro" child. Before we went away on our trip he called me "meemaw," when we returned he now calls me "g-maw." We are making progress folks!!
My wish for all of you is that you will find peace and happiness in your life. Pick your arguments, and try to find the good in people. For those of you who are married and somewhat disenchanted with your marriage. Remember what it was that initially attracted you to your husband or partner. Sometimes, the very attribute that you loved about your guy will be the exact same habit that "drives you crazy" now. Talk about it, tell your husband how you feel and what you like and do not like. It sounds tough, but believe me it is not. Just start talking . Make sure you have some quiet time without children and just devote it to each other. Rekindle those feelings and put romance in your life. Just because you are married doesn't mean that you can't have romance in your marriage. It is fun and essential to a good relationship.
Watch for my new blog.
Carol
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
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