Our daughter's were ages 6 years and 9 years old at the time our son's problems started. They loved their "big brother" and could not understand the change in his behavior. He had become distant and irritable, and did not want to bother with his sisters anymore. He refused to keep his curfew, and basically told us that he would come home when he felt like it. We grounded him, then he started leaving the house by going out of the window. I sat up until all hours of the night waiting for him to come home. Many years later, the girls expressed anger towards me. They felt they did not get "their needs" met because I spent so much time trying to "fix" our son. It was years later before I learned that when one member of the family is ill, it effects the entire family, and is very disruptive. It makes perfect sense to me now, the family is out of balance. Unfortunately, I was not so introspective, or knowledgeable at the time.
Lee and I tried everything to turn our son around, to no avail. He didn't care about what we wanted, or what anyone else wanted, except for his so so called "friends." I would stay up until midnight or later trying to talk to him and explain why we were so concerned about him, and why he had rules to live by. I might have just as well talked to the walls, but I was desperate and I wanted my son back. I felt driven to do something, anything, to help our son to come back to the family. I must be honest here and say that Lee and I were not on the same wave length with our son. Lee insinuated that I was making the problems bigger than they actually were. I felt alone, I felt like I was the cause of our son's behavior problems. After all, my family of origin was certainly dysfunctional with a long line of addicted personalities. Years later while Lee and I were participating in a Marriage Encounter weekend, we talked, and talked, about many things we had never discussed before. It was very emotional for Lee as we recounted that chapter of our life and how painful it was for all of us. A sentinel event occurred one morning shortly after our son had left for school. The school nurse called to say that he had admitted to ingesting 5 Valium pills earlier that morning. The valium tablets were 5 mg. each for a total of 25 mg. The normal dosage is usually 5 mg., therefore you can imagine that he was quite medicated, and stuporous. Luckily, he was 6 ft. tall and weighed about 140, or the results could have been even more disasterous. I picked him up at the school and I had to stimulate him constantly to keep him awake. I called Lee home from the hospital immediately. He was very angry with our son, but did not suggest that we take him to the hospital. We could take care of it ourselves, all we had to do was to keep stimulating him until the Valium wore off. I insisted that we take him to the hospital, and when I make up my mind, I am like a "dog with a bone."Lee complied with my wishes, however he was not in agreement with them and we took our son to Walter Reed Medical Center Emergency Room, where they quickly shunted him to Pediatrics. He was 15 years old at the time. The physician spoke with us, he had already examined and talked with our son. He did not really see any reason for further treatment, because he felt that our son had just experimented this one time. I am compelled to tell you here that our son was a master of deception, and he had "hoodwinked" yet another professional. I was not going to be disuaded and made my wishes known. Both our son and Lee were not happy with me, but as a result of this conversation, we scheduled an appointment with Family Therapy. At first we were scheduled for therapy 3 times per week. One appointment for all 3 of us, another appointment for our son alone, and the third appointment for Lee and I alone. I was the only person who really participated in those therapy sessions. I was very open and honest, but it was like "swimming up stream" for me. Lee had very little to say in therapy, and it seemed to become the focus of the Psychiatrist to prod, poke and ignite Lee's anger, in order to elicit some type of feedback from him. It did not work, and Lee really resented the Psychiatrist's tactics. Once again I felt so alone and unsupported. There were times when I felt like I would lose my mind. There were days when I felt like my family would be much better off without me. I started to drink to medicate myself and ease the pain. These were all my unspoken thoughts at the time. I really did not have a confident who I could talk with. After approximately one year our Psychiatrist proclaimed that our son was just a "normal" teenager. I was shocked, dismayed, and disappointed. It was appalling to me that I seemed to be the only person who gave witness to the devious and delinquent behaviors that our son exhibited. When he was a sophomore in high school we were asked to remove him from school OR the school would expel him. Being expelled would be worse for his records they said, so we complied with the administration and removed him. He obtained his GED at a later time, this for a young man who wanted to attend Annapolis at one time. Our son was a very intelligent young man, he had so many aspirations and plans for his future. He was an honor student, and tutored other students who needed assistance. The reason for removing him the school told us was because he was always "high" or "stoned." This was heart breaking for me, I could not believe the way our son had changed. It was like I didn't even know him anymore. Many, many tears were shed over the years as I continued to try and get him to turn his life around. He said he was perfectly happy with his life the way it was, he was fine, it was my problem, he did not have a problem. Lee was still on active duty in the Army, and many times after a big quarrel we would have to make an appearance at a reception, or party. Those events were absolutely joy less for me, but I could plaster a smile on my face for a short time. None of our friends realized what was happening in our household, we were all such good actors in our family. My early life as a child in a dysfunctional family had prepared me well to keep secrets. Around 1976 Lee received orders for Germany which were quickly rescinded after he explained our situation to his commander. It was very disappointing as we had always hoped that we would be able to travel to Europe. It would have been impossible to even consider such a move at this time. Our son was only 16 years old and still heavily involved with drugs. We insisted that he do things with the family, even if it was just going out to dinner. It was not pleasant for any of us though, because he would rush through his dinner and then sit there and pout until we finished, and left the restaurant. He just became more and more distant and disengaged from us, and with life in general. About that time we found out that our biggest nightmare was true, our son was using Heroin. One Saturday morning, I found our son laying on our front porch, it was quite cold outdoors, and he was sleeping on the cold cement. Thank God Lee was at home, it took both of us to get him in the house related to his drugged condition. We stayed with him the entire day, making sure that he was responsive, and of course, the likelihood of him vomiting and aspirating into his lungs was high, so that was another reason for us to be vigilant. I don't remember much conversation between Lee and I that day. Our relationship then and now was worlds apart. We were definitely not in agreement as to the path of treatment we should seek for our son. I think I was still the only one who felt that we needed to do something, and do it quickly.
Keep in mind that we all still attended therapy sessions twice a week. At this time it was suggested that our son be admitted to an inpatient treatment facility. He was in the program for several months, however he really did not participate. He was not interested in rehabilitation, he did not have a problem. It was us, Lee and I, who had the problem. In reality, Lee, myself, and our son were each on our separate little islands. Lee was in denial in a major way. He told me at the time that I was always looking for things to find fault with our son. At that time, I felt so alone and unsupported. This was a very dark time in our marriage. Lee and I began to argue frequently when he was at home. He worked 2 jobs, and at that time I stayed home and took care of the children and household responsibilities. I was usually always alone when something bad happened with our son. Therefore, I was left to my own devices to try and handle the problem As I sit here and try to recall the events of that dark period of our lives, it seems like it all happened in another life, another time so long ago
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